Why doesn’t She Just Leave? The Confusing World of Trauma Bonds

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What comes to mind when you hear the words “boyfriend” or “Daddy”? Do fond memories come to mind about good time? Maybe some bad memories too from a relationship gone sour or a dad that wasn’t around? Regardless of the emotion felt, there is something about those words that brings certain feelings and memories to mind.

Now imagine that your boyfriend or your Daddy asks you to do something for him, he’s hit hard times and needs you to help him pay the bills. You want to help, and you trust him, so even if something feels off you are willing to go along with what he asks you to do. But then something feels really off, he’s asking you to do things you really aren’t comfortable with, things that hurt. But he tells you that he’s proud of you. That he loves you. That he’s so thankful for your help and he’s going to make it up to you. You won’t have to do this forever.

But in between this praise and expression of “love” he beats you. He continues to ask you to do things you aren’t comfortable with. You kind of feel like he’s forcing you, but you went along with it, so you feel like it’s your choice. Eventually you do start saying, “No,” but he’s not taking no for an answer. He beats you some more until you “change your mind” and say, “Yes”. He’s not to blame, you changed your mind, how could he be at fault? You think about leaving, but he’s told you no one else would “love” you. He’s all you’ve got. You can’t make it on your own, or so he’s gotten you to believe. And so you stay.

Then eventually law enforcement gets involved and wants you to testify about all the things he’s forced you to do. They want you to say how horrible he is. But it’s not that easy. You still question if he forced your or if it was your choice. You remember the beatings and the abuse, but you also remember how he “loved” you and told you he was proud of you. Things may have been hard, but you feel like he was always there for you. He was the one that gave you a place to stay when no one else would. He’s the only one you feel like is looking out for you.

All of this is just a glimpse into what a trauma bond looks like. Trauma bonds are emotional attachments made during traumatic experiences between the abused and their abuser. Exploiters often cultivate these bonds purposely by breaking a girl’s will, abusing her, but then offering praise and reward. They do this to maintain power and control over her, while letting her think it was all her decision. This sick cycle of abuse and reward is what makes it so hard for CSE and CSEC victims to self-identify as having been exploited, and what makes it so difficult for them to heal from their wounds. You may have noticed another layer of confusion already in the titles “boyfriend” and “Daddy”. Titles that should convey warmth, safety, and happiness are now mixed with abuse, manipulation, and uncertainty.

One of the most important things you can do when walking with a woman who is on her healing journey is to be a consistently safe person, to have understanding for the confusing nature of trauma bonds, and allow her to express her feelings about her exploiters both good and bad. Healing from trauma bonds takes time and a lot of healthy relational bonds to overcome.

Written by Leah Lesesne, Clinical Care Coordinator with Serenity’s Steps


How to be a Good Mentor Part 2

goodmentorpt2In my last post, I shared my thoughts on how to ruin any mentor relationship. The secret is to make the mentoring process all about you, the mentor. Now I want to share what I believe is the cure for this relational ailment. I think the cure is active listening.

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“Listening,” you retort. “How is the secret ingredient (to mix metaphors) something I do all the time? Of course I listen to my mentees,” you exclaim.

Active listening (AL) isn’t the same as what we can called mere listening (ML). There are two main differences between the two. The first is obvious given the name “active listening.” As you can see from the infographic I shamelessly stole from the internet, AL requires a level of engagement with the speaker greater than the level normally reached in ML. For this reason, ML is also known as passive listening. ML is just hearing in addition to good language skills. It’s the focusing of one’s auditory faculties in the direction of the oncoming sound coupled with the ability to understand syntax and grammar. For example, when your mentee says, “I’m having a stellar morning,” you have no problem hearing the sounds she’s making, understanding the meaning associated with the individual words and understanding how those words fit together to communicate a more complex sentence. The whole process can be done without the listener ever engaging the speaker. The speaker engages you.

The second difference between AL and ML, is the content in the minds of the speaker and listener after the conversation is over. In ML, it is possible for the speaker and the listener to have two different concepts or ideas in their minds. Going back to the above example, if the speaker is extremely sarcastic like my mentee Katie, then when she says she’s having a stellar morning, she might mean she’s having a really good morning or she might mean that she is having the worst morning in her life. In ML, both meanings are legitimate. In AL however, the goal is for the speaker and listener to have the same ideas in their minds. More pointedly, in AL, the goal is for the listener to have the same thing in her mind as what is in the speaker’s mind. She wants to make sure she understands what Katie means when she says she’s having a stellar day. This is why AL is active. The goal is complete understanding. The goal is fullness.

This search for completeness is what guards the mentor for making mentoring all about herself. By actively seeking to understand what the mentee is thinking, feeling and processing, the mentor has to get out of herself and get into the mind of the mentee. This isn’t an easy practice to learn. Honestly speaking, I blew two opportunities to actively listen to my staff while writing this blog post! But if you can master it, you will probably have more successful mentoring relationships than failures.

By Leroy Lemar, Executive Director for Serenity’s Steps


How to be a Good Mentor Part 1

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It’s hard to believe that I’ve been mentoring for almost 18 years. Unofficially, I began mentoring my sophomore year of college when I interned with my church’s youth department. Within the first few weeks, I connected with six youth that eventually become “Leroy’s kids.” I still keep tabs on all of them. While i’m still mentoring youth, I also mentor everyone from people interested in starting nonprofits to transgendered adults who have been crippled by abuse, shame, and negligent.

Over these last 18 years, I’ve learned quite a few mentoring best practices. Most of the positive methods will enhance your mentoring while most of the negative ones will hinder it. But there is one mentoring method that is absolutely guaranteed to make your mentoring relationship fails gloriously. It creates a kind of mentoring vertigo in which you think you are doing a stellar job but you are actually on your way back down to mentoring terra firma. How so? Consider the following scenario:

You are at the office on Thursday afternoon and you get an email from Eddie who is a friend of Katie. Eddie told Katie that he was desperate for a mentor and Katie recommended you. You close Eddie’s email, sit back, and basking the feelings or honor and value. “Somebody wants me,” you tell yourself with pride. You then sit down and ask yourself how can I make sure Eddie gets the best of knowledge. You schedule your first session at the trending coffeehouse around the corner. When the Eddie arrives, you launch into stories from your personal and professional life. You smile as he fills his journal with your platitudes, folk wisdom and cliches. Eddie leave the meeting so excited to have chosen you and you sit back thinking, “I am really something else.”

But notice what you didn’t do. Not once did you stop to ask if any of what you were sharing was in the least bit relevant to Eddie’s needs. You made mentoring all about you. You felt great. Eddie felt great. But Eddie may not have been helped at all. As a mentor, your greatest responsibility is their personal and professional success. If they do not succeed, then to some extent, you are not a good mentor.

Please stay tuned for Part II …..

By Leroy Lemar, Executive Director for Serenity’s Steps


Sex Trafficking vs Sex Work: What You Need to Know

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This is an interview conducted by Kate McGaughey with Leah Lesesne, Clinical Care Coordinator for Serenity’s Steps and Megan Ellerman, That Grace Restored staff member and Anti-Commercial Sexual Exploitation (CSE) advocate.

I spent time recently with both Leah and Megan, who have worked tirelessly in the anti-trafficking and anti-CSE fields, talking to them about the often confusing terms “sex trafficking” and “commercial sexual exploitation.”  What are the differences?  Where is the overlap?  Who should we help?  Read the interview below to hear their thoughts:

Leah, as a counselor working with domestic minor sex trafficking (DMST) victims, what is your professional definition of sex trafficking?  What qualifies someone as a sex trafficking victim?
Leah: We often mistakenly think that trafficking must require a movement of persons or confinement. However any person under the age of 18 who has been sold for sexual services by another individual, with or without the minor’s “consent” is considered a victim of DMST. The qualifications get more complicated with adults because the simple sale of sexual services is not enough to qualify, there must be evidence of fraud, coercion, deception, fraud, abuse of power etc.

What are the different options for care given to adult versus minor sex trafficking victims who have been “rescued” or managed to escape their situation?
Leah: A lot depends on how they come into contact with options for care.  Adults and children that come through the justice system often get jail time because they are misidentified as a perpetrator rather than a victim. Children that are properly identified as DMST victims are often placed in group homes or foster care with outpatient services while adults even when properly identified may face jail time. For adults the current options available usually include rehab services and inpatient homes; which don’t always help depending on the adult’s situation.

Is prostitution considered sex trafficking if the girl providing services is under 18?
Leah: If she is under 18, by Georgia law she is not considered to be working in prostitution, she is considered to be a sex trafficking victim or sexual assault victim. Nationally there is a move towards rejecting the term “child prostitute” and properly identifying those children as DMST victims.

How is underage prostitution handled by the legal system in Georgia?
Leah: They have made a lot of strides in properly identifying children as victims rather than criminals and going after the traffickers and johns and prosecuting them. There has been a huge task force launched by Attorney General Sam Olens to go after pimps and johns. This task force’s has been clear to send the message that if you buy sex or exploit a young girl for sex you will do jail time.

What are some options for recovery that Georgia offers to DMST victims?
Leah: There are several types of programs, most commonly recovery group homes and therapeutic foster care.  With therapeutic foster care the foster parents go through a lot of training so they understand mental health issues and can supportive services on an ongoing basis.  Outpatient counseling is offered to girls who are able to go back home to their families – but this is not as common. GA Cares handles the referral of services for all DMST victims in GA and provides mentoring and case management for the youth they serve.

Do you think there is a stigma against young girls who are working in prostitution that sees them as perpetrators and not as victims?
Leah: Historically there has been a stigma against young girls, but that has shifted a lot over the past few years. People are now more educated and willing to see an underage girl as a victim rather than a perpetrator. The bigger issue now that is that women over 18 face all the stigma and are not given the same grace to be seen as exploited.

What is the biggest difference between a sex trafficking victim and a commercial sex worker?
Leah: I think one of the biggest differences is the way they’re viewed.  Society looks at DMST victims and says, “Oh she was forced…poor her.”  They look at the commercial sex worker and think, “She wants to be there.”  But really they’re not all that different.  The sex worker might be a different age, she might not have someone standing over her keeping her there, but she doesn’t wake up and just decide to do this.  The histories of abuse are very similar.  Almost all DMST victims and commercial sex workers have some history of sexual abuse prior to entering the industry.

Megan, as an anti-commercial sexual exploitation (CSE) advocate, how would you define a commercial sex industry worker?
Megan: A person who is working in the sex industry to provide a means for themselves, whether it be to support a drug addiction, to put a roof over their heads, to eat…It’s an occupation they’ve chosen at that point in time.  You can include go-go dancers, strippers, prostitutes, internet vixens, girls who post adds on the internet, web cam girls, porn actresses and women who work for escort services in the definition of a commercial sex worker.

What are the factors that cause a woman (or man) to enter the sex industry of their own free will?
Megan: A lot of different things from losing a job and having to provide for their kids to having nowhere to go and nothing to eat.  People that are enduring hardships often feel like they have no other option for survival.  If you’re laid off from a job and the next morning your rent is due, you don’t know what to do when your landlord doesn’t care about your story.  It can also be emotional.  If you didn’t have someone to care about you or be there for you.  I’ve known women who had no family there for them, they dropped out of school and had no education – they just wanted to hear someone say, “You look pretty.”  A girl may meet a guy on the street who tells her those things but he’s a pimp.  They do it for love and that’s not real love, but they don’t have an example of what true love looks like.

Are there other reasons such as force, fraud or coercion that cause people to enter the commercial sex industry?
Megan: In a way. I’ve known instances where girls will look up to other women they see in the sex industry when they see them taking care of themselves.  They see these women and put them on a pedestal, and to me that’s like fraud.  I think with force and coercion, that doesn’t happen as much initially, but it happens after you are in the industry.  People around you say things like “What else can you do?  Are you going to go find a job?”  You seldom have positive influences around you.  You can tell yourself “I think I can do better,” but if other people are putting you down, you start to believe you really can’t do anything else and so you stay in the life.

Does this understanding of CSE overlap at all with the legal definition of sex trafficking, making some people in the industry sex trafficking victims?
Megan: I don’t think by legal definition other than the age.  But it’s pretty easy to see that the lines are blurred.  Beyond the strict legal definition it’s pretty much the same thing.

Leah: Legally the lines about coercion are very clear in that visible force, fraud must be involved.But in the sex industry there may be that same element of control, but it’s not as easily identifiable.

Is there a stigma surrounding commercial sex workers?  What are some of the biggest myths about sex workers?
Megan: Absolutely.  Most people think that it was those women’s choice, their aspiration.  I don’t know any women who would say that was their dream job.  People see them and jump to conclusions because they don’t know the whole story.  They don’t care to find out the stories and for that reason I think that stigma will be hard to change.

Leah: I think a lot of people believe that if they wanted to get out they could.

Megan: Getting out is hard because there is a lack of resources and many women are ignorant about organizations that could help them.

Leah: And lack of community.  If you had community you would have people coming around you to support you through it.

Do commercial sex workers ever feel trapped in the life?
Megan: Yes.  A lot of times it will be something as simple as a woman needing a babysitter to go to a job interview to try to take that first step, but because they’re living in a hotel they have no one around them to watch the kids.  And in that moment they feel trapped in the cycle, thinking they will never get out.

What services are available to people seeking to leave employment in the commercial sex industry?
Megan: Now there are employment opportunities and organizations that are specifically created to help these women not only find work but with personal development and mental health.  Hopefully there will be a lot more to come.  I hope the more awareness that comes the more change will take place.  I think this city does have a closed mind unless they hear a story of a girl they can compare to the girl in “Taken”.  But it is happening right in our city to girls and women, and more people should care.

Leah:  We’re so quick to be an activist for a girl who is survivor of DMST, but if it’s a woman in the sex industry we’re closed off. What a lot of people don’t understand that girls who come out of DMST and grow up without services to help them heal will often end up in the commercial sex industry.

Megan:  People need to think beyond their own limit.  That’s someone’s daughter.  You never know when it could affect you.

How are women in prostitution treated by the legal system?
Megan: Like complete criminals.  And I’m not saying that they should just be able to go free when they break the law, but I think beyond having to do jail time or community service something should be implemented beyond that to help them move on.  Because if they don’t have a job or a work program, they are just going to go back to doing the same thing.

Leah:  Fulton County is now looking at some alternatives to jail time, but we have to make sure that the options presented to women are options that actually work for them and their situation.

Are there cases where commercial sex workers should be viewed as victims?
Megan: I think absolutely.  There are instances in which the circumstances are so extreme that they feel like victims with no other options.  It’s more so about the lack of knowing of programs that are available to them to help them get out of the life.  The general programs like shelters are so crowded that it discourages people from going to them.  But I think if women knew there are programs specialized to their situations, many women would make that choice to leave the sex industry.

Are there cases where commercial sex workers should not be viewed as victims?
Megan: Everyone is a victim even if they don’t realize it.  If I hear a woman say, “I am not a victim,” I say she doesn’t realize her true worth.  There are so many other things that she could do with the right support around her that wouldn’t be so demoralizing to herself.

Leah: It’s not honoring to insist on calling someone a victim if they don’t identify as one; yet at the same time, even those who see themselves as choosing sex work are being exploited. We wonder why when women are offered a way out they don’t take it. We have to remember there is some other factor keeping them from seeing it as a way out.  Fear that it won’t work, fear that she won’t really be able to provide for herself or her kids, someone will come after her – it doesn’t seem like a real option to them.  If they saw it as a real option they would have taken it.

Should the fight against sex trafficking and commercial sexual exploitation be connected?
Leah: The connection is definitely there whether or not we acknowledge it. Part of it is the demand for porn and strip clubs – they become successful businesses which then drives the demand for sold sex – which then drives the demand for young girls sold for sex.  It is very interconnected in that way. The popularity of porn and strip clubs normalizes it and drives the demand easily. And as I said earlier, so often DMST victims who don’t get help, grow up and end up in the sex industry. Anyone who considers themselves an advocate for sex trafficking victims should consider themselves an advocate for commercial sex workers.


Celebrate With Us at the Big Fake Wedding

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Hello friends and family!  We are so excited to be one of the vendors supplying letterpress invitations and menus on our handmade paper for this March’s The Big Fake Wedding Event in Atlanta!

The Big Fake Wedding puts on a mock wedding in cities across the country to showcase wedding vendors – complete with a ceremony (where a real couple renews their vows!), reception, food, dancing and decor!  This year’s Atlanta event will be held at the W Atlanta Midtown on March 29.  You can buy tickets now for only $25 at http://thebigfakewedding.com/events/atlanta-bridal-show-alternative-10/.

We would love to see you there and hope you will consider using our letterpress printing services and paper hand made by women stepping out of the sex industry for your wedding or next big event!  Don’t forget our partner design firm Mia Maria Design can work with you on all your design needs and donates a portion of their proceeds on our collaborative projects back to That Grace Restored!